And then, of course, America does what America does best: turns it into a holiday centerpiece. St. Patrick’s Day rolls around, and suddenly everyone—Irish or not—is boiling meat and cabbage like they’ve been doing it for generations. Rivers are dyed green, people wear questionable hats,( i once played a game of show me your shamrock) and corned beef becomes a symbol of Irish identity, even though Ireland itself is sitting there like, “We mean… okay, sure.”

This is where we join you.